There was a time in my life, when I would have told you with certainty that my husband did not love me. I would have told you that he was not capable of love. I would have told you that my situation was hopeless because I could not stop loving someone who did not appear to love me.
This was an illusion. It was never true. It was me who felt unable to love. It was me who felt that I could not be loved. It was only as I worked my DBT skills that I started to realize that this was a lie. It was a judgment, a story that had become my reality.
For whatever reasons, when I was young, I decided that I was not lovable. I decided that I was too obnoxious, spoiled, selfish, self centered and sad to be loved. I could prove it by the fact that I was certain that my brother was more loved than I. I could prove it by my parents anger at me when I couldn't do my math. I could prove it by my siblings anger at me. I could prove it by the difficulties that crossed my path as a teenager. I began collecting the evidence that would support my story.
On it went. The first husband who worked all the time. This was clear evidence that I would not be loved. Then falling in love with my current husband, an alcoholic was proof that I could not be loved. It seemed so obviously true. So solidly true. I just kept collecting that information that would support my thesis and I could not see beyond my "story".
Until, I learned more about how to practice a non judgmental stance. As I began to question my "story". I realized that it could not be a fact. It could not be true. And as I changed my story, my life changed with it.
This morning, my husband was on his way to work. He came over to kiss me good bye. We held each other and he rubbed his cheek against mine. He said "I love you. You are a good woman to put up with someone like me. You are beautiful". This would not have happened 15 years ago. If he said it, I would not have heard it, or appreciated it or "felt it". Today. I felt it. I felt grateful and loved. Not because of him, but because I removed the obstacles that would keep me from love.